It’s Christmas Eve.
And I don’t want to go home.
It seems like I have compromised my own health and happiness in the exchange of doing what I thought was “right” one too many times. Often, like many of us, I would do what was expected of me, or what I thought was expected of me but often it didn’t get me to where I wanted to be. I had learned to think, think, think rather than listen to my body, my feelings, my gut.
If I had only known that by pushing through and doing what I thought was persevering, not giving up, and working hard, I would compromise my health to an extent that may not be reversible I would have done so many things differently.
Thoughts like – I cannot give up the opportunity of this job – I cannot let them down now that they have invested so much time and energy in training me – I cannot quit yet another career path – have convinced me to work hard, not give up, and push on through. These situations in which I would disregard my body and mind’s boundaries have accumulated over time.
But it always seems to come back to this:
I did what I thought was the right thing to do. Now it is key to have compassion and not beat myself up for the decisions I made that have contributed to where I stand today … with a compromised health, unemployed, and not sure whether the next step should be to apply for a vocational rehabilitation program.
I wonder if I had read a blog post like this 2, 7, or 10 years ago, if it could have changed anything.
In Hermann Hesse’s “Siddhartha” the main character wanted to protect his son from doing the same mistakes he himself made but eventually came to realize that this wasn’t possible.
Something tells me that I probably had to go through these experiences to learn certain things but I would be lying if I’d say that I am glad about it… at least, not yet?! My deep desire and wish is that one day I’ll be able to agree with this, in the hopes that my health journey will change its course for the better again.
Merry Christmas everyone!
My Green Pony 